sparx104
23 Aug 2010, 22:42:02
The Fermi Paradox:
 
Assuming Earth is "typical", based on the large number of stars and therefore possible "Earths" for life to have originated on - why do we not see the existence of any of this life?
 
This is obviously about alien life-forms. However, it also applies in another way:
 
Assuming I'm "normal" (outwardly I come across as "normal", I'm social, fairly outgoing, likable and quite funny), and, as people say - "you're a nice person", "you've got a lot going for you", "you've got a lot to offer" etc. and that I don't avoid contact with women (I'm usually drawn to them, especially in groups, and generally prefer to be around them) - why does this not "pay off" - why, based on this "evidence" am I still alone, or have no ability to find someone?
 
As much as I'd like an answer (or at least a *way* to find someone, I'm long past caring about answers just for understanding - knowing *why* you're lonely doesn't stop you from *being* lonely) I'm not hopeful - 60 years on and they've still not got an answer for Fermi, I don't see one coming for me.
22 Aug 2010, 00:59:53
Those who know me (or have read this site I guess) will know that I don't "get" art. I'm not artistic or creative in that way and can't "appreciate" art beyond the ability to appreciate that a lot of work and skill went into it (probably why I consider "modern art" to be total crap as there's no skill in pickling a pig...)
 
Anyway, for some reason I've been meaning to "create" these pictures (and a few more but I've forgotten the subjects for now). So, from the mind of someone to whom art is a mystery comes some art...
 
 
 
Click them to see a larger version.
13 Aug 2010, 00:01:05
As the winter winds litter London with lonely hearts
Oh the warmth in your eyes swept me into your arms
Was it love or fear of the cold that led us through the night?
For every kiss your beauty trumped my doubt
 
- "Winter Winds", Mumford & Sons.
 
If you've not heard of them (most people don't seem to have) I recommend their CD. And Laura Marling's too.
07 Aug 2010, 00:48:53
Something in this "triggered" something (recognition? recollection? - I don't know - many of the lines seem relevant though), so I figured I'd put it here. If you ever get the chance to listen to October Project I recommend them.
 
From "Johnny" by October Project
 
Everything is different but
It's all the same to him
Everything is nothing like it was
Before she came
Before she stayed
And went away
 
She left Johnny like a stranger
Waiting in a small town
Measuring the small time
Nights were longer than the days were
 
Living in a small town
Looking for a door he could open
Hoping that he wouldn't break until he'd broken
Free
To the heart of himself
 
And he tells himself it'll be alright
Happiness is just around the corner
And he tells himself
It'll be okay
Happiness is just a life away
The effect of half a bottle of vodka and an idea. I have to turn this into something coherent...
 
good vs bad and the minimisation of negative effect
 
happy, euphoric, ecstatic etc - "good" is all i've got
same for "bad".
 
"good" is pretty much "less bad" - there's always a "bad" "feeling" - that is the depression? can fluctuate on it's own (or to me anyway) but
never goes. base line - used to it?
 
cannot control/instigate it myself
 
same "good" "feeling" triggered by (or "bad" lessened)
seeing something working well (no matter who "did" it)
well designed, concise code
natural beauty - sunset etc (not always and less so now)
 
"bad" worsened by
doing something wrong
not knowing what is expected/what to do
changes to routine/situation - changes to existing understood situation
reminders of being alone
seeing couples
pretty girls
kids
anything reminding of her
anything reminding that i have no chance to meet someone
 
"good" can be triggered by doing something which has made someone happy - it's "good" to ensure other's happiness.
- "living through others"
 
whilst together "good" was presumably overwhelming. "good" is unusual "feeling" - don't remember much due to "new experience"?
mental shutdown
"good" was promoted by doing things which made her happy, from buying crisps she tried and liked to sex.
- why enjoy kissing? and why more than sex? - too much "not knowing expectations"?
- sex - making her happy made me "happy"? physical vs. (lack of) emotional
 
- why not able to look into her eyes? - triggered "mental shutdown".
still don't know colour. won't ever now. [off topic].
** miss her **
 
"like" and "dislike" are not concious decisions to do something or not due to preference but due to affect on "good" or "bad".
i "dislike" social situations due to consistant "bad"/"distress":
mental shutdown
don't understand situation/not "in control"
- "in control" is not of situation but my part in it - expectations, tasks, rules.
"like" is "reduce 'bad'" or "promote 'good'" but no actual *drive* - state is as it is.
 
pain != "like" or "dislike". will cause pain - eg. bruises, pick at wounds etc. pain can be "good" in that it can take away from "bad"
 
"bad" can be triggered by music. "good" can't. "bad" triggering music => feeling sick. "emotion" via other sensation? "butterflies"?
 
self-harm zero's state - allows objective control over the state/emotions. limited effect
- how relate to stress? agitation? *is linked* fight-or-flight
 
failure of rules is "bad". success of rules is *not* "good" - just neutral. double negatives - opp of good is not bad - is neutral & vv.
 
discomfort from "praise"? - why? lack of "good"? due to duty/expectations/why not do if can? expectations?
 
"bad" can be triggered unexpectedly in sitations where "expected" but not always a)same or b) "usual" - news reports, funerals - some nothing,
some "bad". something going on underneath? build up until breaking point?
 
sex. think about it more. why? - not primary drive (or not aware of it). "sex without love is just putting body parts in one another"
(unknown attrib). have experience so understand what missing? - likely. "to have loved and lost is better than to have never
loved at all" - same thing? bollocks.
 
- pick up on sex references in songs which hadn't noticed before. "come on closer - jem". feel "bad" => not available? cannot
see way to get? not likely to be available. again, sex is *not* primary concern - **want someone to make happy?** - selfish "want"?
 
ex. "going to snowdon". no interest personally of doing it. with her - was "looking forward" to it - *was with her* - experience through her/
make her happy. folk festival - going with someone => them happy == "good". actual *going* means nothing, going and making them
happy => "good". [living through others again?].
 
"sad songs" => neither "good"/"bad" but *can* listen to. always drawn to "sad" songs? alanis, sarah mclachlan, "goth"? most is about
*ending* love not *falling in* love. can't listen to "love songs" - "bad"++. basis on songs?
 
"love" - i *did* love her (no matter what she said **past tense - she's not coming back**). love => wanting nothing but good for the other
person - their happyness was "good". had drive for that - never for anything else. pointless anyway.
 
upsetting her => very "bad". tried to learn. pointless now.
 
why want love?
- get "good" back/feel less "bad".
-caring for someone == "good"
- friendship?
- "liked" knowing what she was doing/involvement in her life
- purpose?
- "We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the
moment that we're not alone." (*lookup attrib*)
- purpose?
- kissing
 
08 Jul 2010, 13:26:14
This site has a couple of psychological tests on it, one of which (the Alexithymia test) is quite popular - so much so that I've had to redesign the way the tests work so my visitor log doesn't fill up so quick...
 
Here's the available tests for those interested in taking them...
 
18 Jun 2010, 00:16:29
It's my birthday today. 31.
 
Another year older, another year where the number of single women my age is reduced - after all, they're all getting married and starting families. Another year where the chances of that dream/hope slip away.
 
My last birthday was the only birthday where I've ever received presents from someone not in my family. We'd started seeing each other a couple of weeks beforehand. She gave me some sweets and a few other things. I still have them somewhere - don't have the "heart" to get them out again; I don't need any more reminders of her.
 
In 31yrs I've had 4 and a half months where I can say I was happy. It's not enough but I guess that's it; I can't see any way it'll ever happen again - I can't see any way to even try,
 
It's funny, usually when I write these things it comes easily, tonight it won't - I can't think straight/something's wrong.
 
I wish this could be over.
27 May 2010, 16:26:46
The new UK government has just wasted many millions of pounds by cancelling the ID cards scheme.
 
I never really supported the scheme, not because of the usual civil liberties groups complaining but simply because I do not trust the government to not screw it up and make life worse for people.
 
Here's a simple suggestion to how it could have been done, and in a useful way. I'm going to send a copy of this to my MP, I'll post any response if I get one.
 

 
Firstly, the cards should simply have a photo and your name on the front, along with possibly your date of birth (or even just the year and/or month). This would allow anyone in low security situations to identify the owner - eg. age verification in a shop.
 
Second, the card must have a serial number printed on it and stored electronically somewhere - eg. on a mag-strip or chip or even RFID (finally, a use for that technology, how amazing...).
 
This number will be tied back to a central database accessible online - even publicly. By default, entering the number into the site would simply provide the same details as what's printed on the card - photo, name etc.
 
However, the site should also have the means to store other data, eg. your address, medical details, phone number etc. This information must be stored in such a way that certain parts are tagged with security levels or such. A login for the site should be available to be acquired by applying to a body (maybe the data-protection body - that already exists after all), this login will give that person/company access to certain "categories" (or "tags") of data, eg:
 
name, photo, age PUBLIC
phone number PRIVATE SHOP PASSWORD
address PRIVATE SHOP
general medical conditions PRIVATE GOV DOCTOR PASSWORD
detailed medical records PRIVATE DOCTOR PASSWORD
criminal record PRIVATE POLICE PASSWORD
 
it should be possible to enable or disable these tags to some degree (for example, I might want a SHOP to have access to my address but not my phone number, or to both). I could even decide to block any particular information from POLICE - in which case they will have to find it out themselves as they do now, of course, by not blocking it it would save time if ever needed).
 
It would even be possible to password protect certain data - even to encrypt it on the server with that password. Then, if someone needs access to the data they need you to enter your password to let them get at it. Of course, you'd want to leave public information available without for speed (ie. if using non-contact readers) - but *you* would be able to make that trade-off.
 
The data should be voluntarily added. In the case of medical information or criminal information it should be added simply because it's already on computer elsewhere and simply using one central database makes life easier. It should be possible to add a flag to disable access via the card system to the data though and provide a seperate serial number for just access to that part of the system for those who want it.
 
The information would need to be verified to be of use obviously, but then it is now anyway - it's not going to be hard to simply take some bills or a driving license to the local tax office or whatever and get them to add the data. You should be able to update the permissions on the data yourself easily. This can either be done via a secure method online, or, to make sure it's very secure simply to it at the same government office - present the card so you can be id'd and when they know it's you then they can allow you to change them. There should also be a password required for editing data.
 
By using a serial number on the card it is revocable. I frequently lose my credit cards so the ability to call a number and know that they are useless immediately is good - the same should be true for an ID card. This is also the reason for holding all data off the card - if the card only contains a serial number there's nothing anyone can get from the card that's any use once the serial number has been invalidated. Of course, anyone using a deactivated card is then immediately suspect. A centralised system allows for easy access control to who has access to the data too - kill a user account and it doesn't matter what they do with the card - it's of no use to them. Given the stupid amounts of money the government put into this stuff they could even just build their own private network to run it.
 
The important thing is that a government backed, secure, guaranteed ID card is actually a good idea. There's always going to be those who don't want one and they can simply not get one, or just not add whatever data they don't want known to the system. By allowing the user to choose what's on the card there can be no civil liberties issues.
 
You could even allow interested parties to provide ideas as to other things that could be added - maybe bank details so you can buy things without needing to carry other cards? By ensuring that this number is marked as requiring a password you've got the current chip-and-pin system along with the fact that the card has your photo on it as extra protection.
 
Now, how this is useful:
 
If you buy something which needs to be delivered you need to provide your address. Assuming that shop had access to level 2 info you could just swipe the card, their system would lookup your address online and save you giving it. Of course, if you hadn't given the address or denied access you can just provide it the old way. Same goes for online shopping - just provide your serial number to have your name, address and possibly even card details loaded automatically - again, only if you've added them, and decided to allow them to be used in that way.
 
If you were stopped on the street by a police officer they could easily verify who you are from the details on the card visually, or, for extra security they could use a handheld terminal for access to the system. If you'd chosen not to provide the details they wanted, or not allow the police access to them, or refuse to enter a password if you've protected them they could just use the old fashioned methods of finding out the information. But, for those of use who aren't scare of the police providing the details means a stop of a few seconds instead of the hassle of waiting for them to verify the information by other means.
 
There are many more examples I'm sure you can think of.
 
Such a system wouldn't even be expensive - you could charge for the cards (they are, after all, *useful* in this scenario) and the back-end could simply be run online or using a VPN. It would also allow the consolidation of many other databases into a single system.
Another question, this one's simple to answer (not that anyone seems to want to): Is the following how "normal" people's minds work?
 
My mind appears to have two "parts" - the "concious" part and the "machine" (or animal?) part which appear to be able to operate relatively independently. The "machine" part is concerned with "mechanical" or repetitive tasks (and the sort of tasks a machine would do, hence the "machine" description) whilst the concious part is concerned with the things associated with conciousness - "thinking", "feeling" making choices etc.
 
For example: the last few days/nights I've been working on programming a few things (I seem to be in the stage of the "cycle" between "high" and "low" which enables me to do things - it doesn't last long and results in almost everything I do being half-finished). I've mentioned elsewhere that if I can start to concentrate I will often concentrate to the exclusion of all other things. This has been the case here - I'd start on what I've been doing at maybe 8pm and realise at 8am the following day that I was still working.
 
During this time the "concious" part is turned off - I'm not aware of time (it appears to have passed instantly), not aware of hunger, thirst or changes in temperature (I do still appear to manage to use the loo, although I don't remember doing it but I'd left the light on so I know I must have). I also don't recognise a lot of the code - I have to go through it again later to understand it (I know I wrote it - it follows my "style").
 
It appears to be much the same as sleeping - "missing" time, no external perception etc. It's also what I "turn off" to cope since most of the "feeling shit" appears to come from the thinking part. When stressed or "feeling" worse than usual I have an unconscious "desire" to perform repetitive tasks (I suddenly realise that I'm doing the task after I've been doing it for a while), I can only assume these provide something to make the "machine" part dominant therefore suppressing the concious part somewhat to suppress feeling so shit. It doesn't always work - sometimes the "thinking" part isn't affected.
 
I guess this is the reason self harm "works" - it immediately shuts down the concious part - usually, after cutting, I'll be able to to do things for a short while, it'll wear off though.
 
I'm wondering if this is related to something else I'd noticed - whilst we were together we went to the cinema a few times and watched a lot of DVDs. I remember almost nothing about the films at the cinema or the DVDs I'd not seen before - I remember that we saw them but not what we saw. I wonder if this "missing time" was caused by a similar mechanism - the "shutting down" of the concious side but by "overloading" it rather than suppressing it.
 
So, is this similar to anyone else's experiences?
 
There's something else tied to this (not a question), I'll post it later when I'm happy with it.