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sparx104

I had an appointment today with the psychiatrist (I think that's what he is). Two things came up.

First, it appears they've finally found someone who does AS/Autism diagnoses so he's going to refer me to them. Knowing what was actually wrong used to be fairly important to me - now it's not really (more on why that is later). To be honest, if I've got a problem in that direction then I've got something to partially blame for why I'm alone (along with myself), if I've not then I've got nothing to blame except solely myself. Either way I am *still* alone with no way to "solve" that - I can't come up with any ways now (I've tried pretty much anything which I can see having a chance), knowing what's wrong with me isn't going to help that.

Second, I've tried everything I can think of to get back what I "felt" when I was in love with her and nothing's worked (nothing's even come close). So, as far as I'm concerned the only answer at the moment is "happiness" - I find someone to love, or "death" (assuming I can find a way that is actually likely to be successful ["the pills, they do not work"]). As such, I don't really care about anything.

When the doctor mentioned these specialists I pointed out that, to be honest, I really find it hard to care, for both the above reasons. To this he replied that "it must seem that world doesn't care either". I've never expected, or been aware of, the world "caring" about me anyway. I guess the only thing I've ever expected was a "fair shot at life" (not that I've ever actually thought about it). I guess I got that - I'm not physically disabled, or mentally (ie. special needs), I'm pretty sociable (in very small groups, things break down in larger ones) people keep saying "you've a nice guy" (usually verbatim...) so the world provided it's side of things - the "fair shot", I just fucked up mine somewhere - hence I'm alone. The trouble is that I don't know what I did wrong, or where, or how to do it right instead.

Before writing this I flicked through a newspaper. It contained a story on a guy who'd stabbed and strangled his girlfriend because she'd called out an ex-boyfriends name during sex (she wasn't having an affair), another who'd killed his wife and burned her body. The last was about a "homeless" beggar who had been fined for deception. The reason for the fine (and inverted commas)? - he lived with his *girlfriend*. Every thief, criminal and general low-life has someone - what is so wrong/unlovable about me that means I have to suffer being alone?

A final observation: almost everyone I've come across who says "love isn't everything" or "you'll find someone eventually" already *has* someone they love.

At 1 in the morning, the day is not ended

By 2 he is scared that sleep is no friend

By 4 he will drink but he cannot feel it

Sleep will not come because sleep does not will it

- "My Manic and I", Laura Marling

Although I don't go through the extremes of manic depression I do go through cycles to a lesser extent. This is so true, doubly so at the moment.

The effect of half a bottle of vodka and an idea. I have to turn this into something coherent...

good vs bad and the minimisation of negative effect

happy, euphoric, ecstatic etc - "good" is all i've got

same for "bad".

"good" is pretty much "less bad" - there's always a "bad" "feeling" - that is the depression? can fluctuate on it's own (or to me anyway) but

never goes.  base line - used to it?

cannot control/instigate it myself

same "good" "feeling" triggered by (or "bad" lessened)

seeing something working well (no matter who "did" it)

well designed, concise code

natural beauty - sunset etc (not always and less so now)

"bad" worsened by

doing something wrong

not knowing what is expected/what to do

changes to routine/situation - changes to existing understood situation

reminders of being alone

seeing couples

pretty girls

kids

anything reminding of her

anything reminding that i have no chance to meet someone

"good" can be triggered by doing something which has made someone happy - it's "good" to ensure other's happiness.

- "living through others"

whilst together "good" was presumably overwhelming.  "good" is unusual "feeling" - don't remember much due to "new experience"?

mental shutdown

"good" was promoted by doing things which made her happy, from buying crisps she tried and liked to sex.

- why enjoy kissing? and why more than sex? - too much "not knowing expectations"?

- sex - making her happy made me "happy"? physical vs. (lack of) emotional

- why not able to look into her eyes? - triggered "mental shutdown".

still don't know colour.  won't ever now. [off topic].

** miss her **

"like" and "dislike" are not concious decisions to do something or not due to preference but due to affect on "good" or "bad".

i "dislike" social situations due to consistant "bad"/"distress":

mental shutdown

don't understand situation/not "in control"

- "in control" is not of situation but my part in it - expectations, tasks, rules.

"like" is "reduce 'bad'" or "promote 'good'" but no actual *drive* - state is as it is.

pain != "like" or "dislike".  will cause pain - eg. bruises, pick at wounds etc.  pain can be "good" in that it can take away from "bad"

"bad" can be triggered by music.  "good" can't.  "bad" triggering music => feeling sick.  "emotion" via other sensation? "butterflies"?

self-harm zero's state - allows objective control over the state/emotions. limited effect

- how relate to stress? agitation? *is linked* fight-or-flight

failure of rules is "bad".  success of rules is *not* "good" - just neutral.  double negatives - opp of good is not bad - is neutral & vv.

discomfort from "praise"? - why? lack of "good"? due to duty/expectations/why not do if can? expectations?

"bad" can be triggered unexpectedly in sitations where "expected" but not always a)same or b) "usual" - news reports, funerals - some nothing,

some "bad".  something going on underneath?  build up until breaking point?

sex.  think about it more.  why? - not primary drive (or not aware of it). "sex without love is just putting body parts in one another"

(unknown attrib). have experience so understand what missing? - likely.  "to have loved and lost is better than to have never

loved at all" - same thing? bollocks.

- pick up on sex references in songs which hadn't noticed before.  "come on closer - jem".  feel "bad" => not available? cannot

  see way to get? not likely to be available.  again, sex is *not* primary concern - **want someone to make happy?** - selfish "want"?

ex. "going to snowdon".  no interest personally of doing it.  with her - was "looking forward" to it - *was with her* - experience through her/

make her happy.  folk festival - going with someone => them happy == "good".  actual *going* means nothing, going and making them

happy => "good".  [living through others again?].

"sad songs" => neither "good"/"bad" but *can* listen to.  always drawn to "sad" songs? alanis, sarah mclachlan, "goth"?  most is about

*ending* love not *falling in* love.  can't listen to "love songs" - "bad"++.  basis on songs?

"love" - i *did* love her (no matter what she said **past tense - she's not coming back**).  love => wanting nothing but good for the other

person - their happyness was "good".  had drive for that - never for anything else.  pointless anyway.

upsetting her => very "bad". tried to learn.  pointless now.

why want love?

- get "good" back/feel less "bad".

-caring for someone == "good"

- friendship?

- "liked" knowing what she was doing/involvement in her life

- purpose?

- "We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the

   moment that we're not alone." (*lookup attrib*)

- purpose?

- kissing

It's my birthday today. 31.

Another year older, another year where the number of single women my age is reduced - after all, they're all getting married and starting families. Another year where the chances of that dream/hope slip away.

My last birthday was the only birthday where I've ever received presents from someone not in my family. We'd started seeing each other a couple of weeks beforehand. She gave me some sweets and a few other things. I still have them somewhere - don't have the "heart" to get them out again; I don't need any more reminders of her.

In 31yrs I've had 4 and a half months where I can say I was happy. It's not enough but I guess that's it; I can't see any way it'll ever happen again - I can't see any way to even try,

It's funny, usually when I write these things it comes easily, tonight it won't - I can't think straight/something's wrong.

I wish this could be over.

Another question, this one's simple to answer (not that anyone seems to want to): Is the following how "normal" people's minds work?

My mind appears to have two "parts" - the "concious" part and the "machine" (or animal?) part which appear to be able to operate relatively independently. The "machine" part is concerned with "mechanical" or repetitive tasks (and the sort of tasks a machine would do, hence the "machine" description) whilst the concious part is concerned with the things associated with conciousness - "thinking", "feeling" making choices etc.

For example: the last few days/nights I've been working on programming a few things (I seem to be in the stage of the "cycle" between "high" and "low" which enables me to do things - it doesn't last long and results in almost everything I do being half-finished). I've mentioned elsewhere that if I can start to concentrate I will often concentrate to the exclusion of all other things. This has been the case here - I'd start on what I've been doing at maybe 8pm and realise at 8am the following day that I was still working.

During this time the "concious" part is turned off - I'm not aware of time (it appears to have passed instantly), not aware of hunger, thirst or changes in temperature (I do still appear to manage to use the loo, although I don't remember doing it but I'd left the light on so I know I must have). I also don't recognise a lot of the code - I have to go through it again later to understand it (I know I wrote it - it follows my "style").

It appears to be much the same as sleeping - "missing" time, no external perception etc. It's also what I "turn off" to cope since most of the "feeling shit" appears to come from the thinking part. When stressed or "feeling" worse than usual I have an unconscious "desire" to perform repetitive tasks (I suddenly realise that I'm doing the task after I've been doing it for a while), I can only assume these provide something to make the "machine" part dominant therefore suppressing the concious part somewhat to suppress feeling so shit. It doesn't always work - sometimes the "thinking" part isn't affected.

I guess this is the reason self harm "works" - it immediately shuts down the concious part - usually, after cutting, I'll be able to to do things for a short while, it'll wear off though.

I'm wondering if this is related to something else I'd noticed - whilst we were together we went to the cinema a few times and watched a lot of DVDs. I remember almost nothing about the films at the cinema or the DVDs I'd not seen before - I remember that we saw them but not what we saw. I wonder if this "missing time" was caused by a similar mechanism - the "shutting down" of the concious side but by "overloading" it rather than suppressing it.

So, is this similar to anyone else's experiences?

There's something else tied to this (not a question), I'll post it later when I'm happy with it.

As the subject says: How *do* you "make" yourself "feel better"?

This comes from the fact that a couple of times I've heard "only you can make yourself feel better". The problem being that I have no actual idea *how* to do it.

I guess I can experience emotions (even if I can't "feel" them) - I suffer depression and am depressed and feel crap. I also guess I "felt" happy whilst I was with her - whatever I experienced was completely new - I'd never experienced it before and it was "powerful" enough to mean that I remember almost nothing of the time we actually spent in each other's company.

I have a limited means of "coping" with feeling crap - "shutting down" thinking all together - like switching off conciousness or sleeping whilst actually being awake. Sleeping is probably a good analogy as whilst doing this I will generally not be aware of what is going on around me or of time. Depending on how crap I feel I can enter this state by will. If I'm feeling too crap then I will not be able to enter the state as it requires a level of concentration I cannot achieve whilst agitated or too depressed. I can get "down" to a state where I can do it by, in the case of lower-level agitation, organising things (coins, DVDs etc) or doing other repetitive/"automatic" tasks (playing video games or watching TV shows that I've played/seen many times before), or in the case of higher-level agitation via self-harm (which can, in come cases, trigger the state directly).

None of that actually addresses the "feeling crap" though - it's just a means to avoid or mask it. Until this started last year I've never had to deal with emotion states - until then I wasn't even aware of having emotions.

Now, it appears that I need to learn how to control them. And I don't know how to. I've tried everything people have suggested - relaxation (can't concentrate/imagine/no effect), thinking "nice thoughts" (doesn't work, probably needs an imagination to think up the thoughts), CBT (works for concrete situations, not emotional ones), talking about it (works for the short duration of talking, not afterwards), watching comedy (see later). Nothing works - it might "take my mind off it" for a short while (much the same as "shutting down" I guess) but as soon as I stop doing whatever it is I will feel crap again.

I appear to be totally unable to alter/moderate my emotional state - it seems as though there is a "broken link" somewhere.

I do seem to be able to "override" it via functional thought as long as I'm not too agitated, this only occurs for a limited time though. For example: if I have to go shopping or such whilst feeling crap I can laugh and joke with someone in the shop but as soon as I walk away I'll feel crap again - the functional thinking involved in the interaction overrides the underlying thinking involved with feeling crap (not that there is any thinking involved really), after a while this will fail and I will start to get "agitated" or "stressed" (in fact I now carry razor blades at all times so that if I can't totally "escape" a situation I can "manage" it).

This "ability" seems to be what drives the desire to understand the issues; whilst we were together she said I was unwilling to deal with my problems. This was not the case - I'm always "happy" to discuss them with a view to trying to "solve" them - I never started a conversation about them with her - she had her own problems and didn't need mine but if the conversation got to them then I would to discuss them. The problem is that when discussing them the train of thought will tend to go into the "functional" thought "mode" which then means I'm not actually aware of the "feeling" any more - whilst in this "functional" mode I'm not aware of experiencing the "feelings" so then tend to go off on tangents (a problem I have in normal conversation anyway) and I guess it looked to her that I wasn't talking about my feelings whilst I was just trying to understand them. This also happens in therapy and other situations - I can go from crying to perfectly "functional" and back to crying in moments - it's like switching things in or out. It's generally not in my concious control though - my mind will "decide" when it's ready to change and just do it - I have limited control over going into "functional" thought but leaving it is generally not in my control.

So, back to the point, it appears that I have no underlying control of feeling crap - I'm not aware of starting to feel crap - only that I do now feel crap and that at some point it must have started. And I've only ever felt "happy" whilst we were together or I was able to think about seeing her - thinking about her would make me "feel" "happy" - I was able to use that on occasion when I felt crap - I just had to think of her and it would stop.

Now I don't have her, or anyone else (or any means/chance/hope of meeting anyone else) that method is not available. And I guess the only "answer" is to learn *how* to control/manipulate what I do "feel". It appears though that no-one is able to "teach" me how to.

So: how are you supposed to "make" yourself "feel better"? - how do you manipulate your "feelings"? - how do you manipulate something you appear to have no control over or connection to?

If anyone has any suggestions I'd like to hear them...

And the price of a memory is the memory of the sorrow it brings

- Counting Crows, "Mrs Potter's Lullaby"

At what point are the memories of someone supposed to become "fond memories" instead of heart-breaking ones?

The only way I can see that happening is when you've someone else - you can look back without knowing that you'll never get them back - that your "shot" at it all is gone.

It's not as if they are really "big" memories - just of little things: going shopping, picking her up from work, just sitting around talking. But every time something reminds you of them it feels like your heart is being ripped out.

How are you supposed to cope when you're not going to find someone else - that this is all you've got?

"I don't know who St Valentine was, but I hope he died alone surrounded by couples"

 - Miranda

Valentine's day is just a means to hurt the lonely.

If you've someone to love why do you need a day to show it? You should show you love them every minute of every day. We used to buy each other little presents all the time - if I saw something I thought she'd like I bought it for her.

Not that I hadn't hoped that I'd have had someone to love this year - was stupid to think that. I've only ever sent one valentine in my entire life - I was about 7 I think.

It's also continually rubbed in your face that you've no-one - every shop and restaurant has posters up. I've received so many emails from electronics sites, even audiobooks offering deals for you to get for your 'beloved' that GMail now deletes anything with "valentine" in the message.

So, for everyone whose got someone - make a special effort every day, not just the 14th, because being lonely hurts.

"You've got a lot to offer"

You know, everyone seems to be saying that to me at the moment. I guess in many ways it's true - from a "standard definition" I am a "nice guy": I'm honest, loving and affectionate, I always put other people before myself and would give the world to whoever I love (as I tried).

Unfortunately none of that matters as I have no way to show it - I have no way to meet someone. And, even if I did, the other, more "visible", stuff overrides it - if no-one's going to get close enough to see it then it doesn't matter.

I guess the old proverb is right: "nice guys" do "finish last".

You can lay your head back on the ground

And let your hair fall all around me

The above lyrics are from "The End of The Innocence" by Don Henley. I've always liked this song and always 'felt' something in those lines. I heard it again the other day after forgetting about it for quite some time.

It's 'funny' what comes to mind fairly randomly - it reminded me of how when we used to lie in bed and she'd lie on top of me her hair would fall around my face. It made just looking into her eyes, or kissing her, even more intimate - it 'blocked out' the world - there was nothing else but the two of us - nothing else in the world but her.

I never used to remember this sort of stuff. Now I do and it's just torture.

I miss her so much.

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