Some of this is a day late but I didn't feel like writing yesterday.

 

First, I've decided to stop taking half the meds I'm on. Whether mind-over-matter or not, this appears to have had some beneficial effect - it was easier to get up this morning and the feeling of panic wasn't there (as much). It had actually started to get that bad that even the thought of going to sleep yesterday raised my anxiety levels.

 

Second, the home-support team is gone. Throughout all this no-one ever seems to tell you anything; at the hospital or this team. Apparently, there was a plan in place from the hospital which should have lasted two weeks - no-one bothered to tell me. Anyway, the people who came out tried their best I suppose and it's useful to talk to someone but I never quite knew what they were for. Ever since Xmas Eve all I've heard is "solution focused" and no-one's ever explained what the hell that's supposed to mean. They pretty much said there was nothing more they could do at the review mentioned in a previous post. Even if they hadn't I was planning on telling them to forget it anyway.

 

The doctor who came out for the review however was a complete twat: After asking how I felt (and being told that I felt shit - I don't understand what I'm suffering from so can't articulate it much more than that and the morning had gone very badly) he proceeded to complain that he'd had to drive for over an hour and thought he was wasting his time - way to go, arsehole - if you don't give a shit then don't fucking ask.

 

At this point he has already made me defensive and wound me up so he then decides shouting is the best plan. After doing so for some time, offering zero support or help in any way, he then proceeds to give me the same bollocks about how "they will help me help myself" and "I need to ask for what I want" - I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU FUCKING DO, HOW CAN I ASK FOR IT? Do you go to a restaurant for the waiters to have you guess what the chef's going to cook? - no, they give you a menu so you know what they do. Personally, I'd like you to sprinkle some magic fairy dust, make me 14 again and let me live life again knowing I have to do it differently. Can't offer that can you, you cunt?

 

My father turned up shortly after this started and it was probably a good thing for them - they were about to all be thrown out (3 or 4 of them turned up). If he'd mentioned "solution focused" I think I would have punched his lights out.

 

Anyway, one good thing came out of it all: I think I need to start telling people what to do instead of believing they already know. Example: it's taken until now for the day hospital to mention a supported learning option - I probably should have asked about this sort of thing myself. So, here's to the more assertive me (wonder how long that will last?).

 

Also, I've abandoned the goals and all that from the hospital - that method of thinking was just making everything worse. I (and they) need to accept that the overdose wasn't a call for anything - it was a serious attempt to end my life.

 

Lastly, I've been doing some more research on Asperger Syndrome. The National Autistic Society has a page on their website regarding going about getting a doctor to refer you for a diagnosis. Now, I'm already seeing a psychiatrist so don't need referring but I figured I'd try to match the criteria to my traits - I fit almost all of them and can't see that being a coincidence. Assuming any diagnosis was to come back positive it would certainly explain a lot of things and probably enable me to stop blaming myself for things which may not have been within my control anyway. Of course, if it was to come back negative....

 

I've also made a start on getting a social life back too - went to visit a friend. Was going to cancel (anxiety levels up again) but didn't and enjoyed catching up - finally something which actually did seem to be an achievement!