This just popped into my head so I'm going to write it down quick. The lyrics to "In A Big Country" by "Big Country"...
I've never seen you look like this without a reason,
Another promise fallen through, another season passes by you.
I never took the smile away from anybody's face,
And that's a desperate way to look for someone who is still a child.
And in a big country, dreams stay with you,
Like a lover's voice, fires the mountainside..
(I thought that pain and truth were things that really mattered
But you can't stay here with every single hope you had shattered)
I'm not expecting to grow flowers in the desert,
But I can live and breathe and see the sun in wintertime..
So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you.
Because it's happened doesn't mean you've been discarded.
Pull up your head off the floor, come up screaming.
Cry out for everything you ever might have wanted.
I thought that pain and truth were things that really mattered
But you can't stay here with every single hope you had shattered.
I'm not expecting to grow flowers in the desert,
But I can live and breathe and see the sun in wintertime..
This song more-or-less sums up what I'm feeling now and depression in general (although it is probably more likely that it's about breaking up with someone).
The first verse is the "cheer up", "look on the bright side" talk everyone is giving me - THIS DOESN'T WORK, PEOPLE. "Another promise fallen..." is the fact that I've tried so many different things to deal with this over the last 5 years and they've not worked. "Another season..." explains two things: the fact that after 5 years I've still not beaten this and the the fact that I feel life's passed by without me living it - I've not done almost anything I wanted to do as a kid (my fault) and I can't go back to fix it. All the people I knew at school have moved on with jobs, families and kids.
The chorus sums up the feelings of trying - you try to hold on to your dreams and continue but it's just not possible. My original hopes and dreams have been pretty much crushed over the last few weeks and I simply can't come up with any new ones - hope really is a dangerous thing. The "lover's voice" part is especially ironic as part of the problem is not having someone to love (assuming I even could - I'm not so sure of that now, I would probably only hurt them and that would be worse than anything).
"I'm not expecting to grow..." sums up the fact that I should not be expecting to get better quickly but to take time and small steps. Something I'm finding impossible to do - small steps/goals/achievements mean nothing to me - an achievement is only an achievement if it's something you would not normally have been able to do without depression. With depression it's simply "being normal", or, as is the case nowadays, simply getting through the day - a task which is best performed as quickly as possible. Life really is not worth it.
"So take that look out of here..." is being told to get better. Just because the depression happened doesn't mean you won't get better and life won't improve. Many people have said this recently, and yes, I can understand that some people probably do get better but I've never met anyone and I can say this: I DON'T SEE IT GETTING BETTER FOR ME.
"Pull up your head..." is a plea to fight it as hard as you can. Unfortunately I think I tried to "come up screaming" on Xmas Eve with the overdose - I fought back in the only way I had left which I knew would work - and even then it didn't.
These lines sum up now...
I thought that pain and truth were things that really mattered
But you can't stay here with every single hope you had shattered
...everything I've wanted/dreamed about and worked out at the hospital which mattered to me has been shattered - I'm not going to move out, get a job, meet someone and all that. There simply is no future for me and therefore no point to continuing. At the moment I'm willing to wait a bit longer for a few reasons but not for long, and after that I've had enough and will fight back the only way that's left. Successfully.
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