As the subject says: How *do* you "make" yourself "feel better"?

 

This comes from the fact that a couple of times I've heard "only you can make yourself feel better". The problem being that I have no actual idea *how* to do it.

 

I guess I can experience emotions (even if I can't "feel" them) - I suffer depression and am depressed and feel crap. I also guess I "felt" happy whilst I was with her - whatever I experienced was completely new - I'd never experienced it before and it was "powerful" enough to mean that I remember almost nothing of the time we actually spent in each other's company.

 

I have a limited means of "coping" with feeling crap - "shutting down" thinking all together - like switching off conciousness or sleeping whilst actually being awake. Sleeping is probably a good analogy as whilst doing this I will generally not be aware of what is going on around me or of time. Depending on how crap I feel I can enter this state by will. If I'm feeling too crap then I will not be able to enter the state as it requires a level of concentration I cannot achieve whilst agitated or too depressed. I can get "down" to a state where I can do it by, in the case of lower-level agitation, organising things (coins, DVDs etc) or doing other repetitive/"automatic" tasks (playing video games or watching TV shows that I've played/seen many times before), or in the case of higher-level agitation via self-harm (which can, in come cases, trigger the state directly).

 

None of that actually addresses the "feeling crap" though - it's just a means to avoid or mask it. Until this started last year I've never had to deal with emotion states - until then I wasn't even aware of having emotions.

 

Now, it appears that I need to learn how to control them. And I don't know how to. I've tried everything people have suggested - relaxation (can't concentrate/imagine/no effect), thinking "nice thoughts" (doesn't work, probably needs an imagination to think up the thoughts), CBT (works for concrete situations, not emotional ones), talking about it (works for the short duration of talking, not afterwards), watching comedy (see later). Nothing works - it might "take my mind off it" for a short while (much the same as "shutting down" I guess) but as soon as I stop doing whatever it is I will feel crap again.

 

I appear to be totally unable to alter/moderate my emotional state - it seems as though there is a "broken link" somewhere.

 

I do seem to be able to "override" it via functional thought as long as I'm not too agitated, this only occurs for a limited time though. For example: if I have to go shopping or such whilst feeling crap I can laugh and joke with someone in the shop but as soon as I walk away I'll feel crap again - the functional thinking involved in the interaction overrides the underlying thinking involved with feeling crap (not that there is any thinking involved really), after a while this will fail and I will start to get "agitated" or "stressed" (in fact I now carry razor blades at all times so that if I can't totally "escape" a situation I can "manage" it).

 

This "ability" seems to be what drives the desire to understand the issues; whilst we were together she said I was unwilling to deal with my problems. This was not the case - I'm always "happy" to discuss them with a view to trying to "solve" them - I never started a conversation about them with her - she had her own problems and didn't need mine but if the conversation got to them then I would to discuss them. The problem is that when discussing them the train of thought will tend to go into the "functional" thought "mode" which then means I'm not actually aware of the "feeling" any more - whilst in this "functional" mode I'm not aware of experiencing the "feelings" so then tend to go off on tangents (a problem I have in normal conversation anyway) and I guess it looked to her that I wasn't talking about my feelings whilst I was just trying to understand them. This also happens in therapy and other situations - I can go from crying to perfectly "functional" and back to crying in moments - it's like switching things in or out. It's generally not in my concious control though - my mind will "decide" when it's ready to change and just do it - I have limited control over going into "functional" thought but leaving it is generally not in my control.

 

So, back to the point, it appears that I have no underlying control of feeling crap - I'm not aware of starting to feel crap - only that I do now feel crap and that at some point it must have started. And I've only ever felt "happy" whilst we were together or I was able to think about seeing her - thinking about her would make me "feel" "happy" - I was able to use that on occasion when I felt crap - I just had to think of her and it would stop.

 

Now I don't have her, or anyone else (or any means/chance/hope of meeting anyone else) that method is not available. And I guess the only "answer" is to learn *how* to control/manipulate what I do "feel". It appears though that no-one is able to "teach" me how to.

 

So: how are you supposed to "make" yourself "feel better"? - how do you manipulate your "feelings"? - how do you manipulate something you appear to have no control over or connection to?

 

If anyone has any suggestions I'd like to hear them...