The effect of half a bottle of vodka and an idea. I have to turn this into something coherent...
good vs bad and the minimisation of negative effect
happy, euphoric, ecstatic etc - "good" is all i've got
same for "bad".
"good" is pretty much "less bad" - there's always a "bad" "feeling" - that is the depression? can fluctuate on it's own (or to me anyway) but
never goes. base line - used to it?
cannot control/instigate it myself
same "good" "feeling" triggered by (or "bad" lessened)
seeing something working well (no matter who "did" it)
well designed, concise code
natural beauty - sunset etc (not always and less so now)
"bad" worsened by
not knowing what is expected/what to do
changes to routine/situation - changes to existing understood situation
anything reminding of her
anything reminding that i have no chance to meet someone
"good" can be triggered by doing something which has made someone happy - it's "good" to ensure other's happiness.
- "living through others"
whilst together "good" was presumably overwhelming. "good" is unusual "feeling" - don't remember much due to "new experience"?
"good" was promoted by doing things which made her happy, from buying crisps she tried and liked to sex.
- why enjoy kissing? and why more than sex? - too much "not knowing expectations"?
- sex - making her happy made me "happy"? physical vs. (lack of) emotional
- why not able to look into her eyes? - triggered "mental shutdown".
still don't know colour. won't ever now. [off topic].
"like" and "dislike" are not concious decisions to do something or not due to preference but due to affect on "good" or "bad".
i "dislike" social situations due to consistant "bad"/"distress":
don't understand situation/not "in control"
- "in control" is not of situation but my part in it - expectations, tasks, rules.
"like" is "reduce 'bad'" or "promote 'good'" but no actual *drive* - state is as it is.
pain != "like" or "dislike". will cause pain - eg. bruises, pick at wounds etc. pain can be "good" in that it can take away from "bad"
"bad" can be triggered by music. "good" can't. "bad" triggering music => feeling sick. "emotion" via other sensation? "butterflies"?
self-harm zero's state - allows objective control over the state/emotions. limited effect
- how relate to stress? agitation? *is linked* fight-or-flight
failure of rules is "bad". success of rules is *not* "good" - just neutral. double negatives - opp of good is not bad - is neutral & vv.
discomfort from "praise"? - why? lack of "good"? due to duty/expectations/why not do if can? expectations?
"bad" can be triggered unexpectedly in sitations where "expected" but not always a)same or b) "usual" - news reports, funerals - some nothing,
some "bad". something going on underneath? build up until breaking point?
sex. think about it more. why? - not primary drive (or not aware of it). "sex without love is just putting body parts in one another"
(unknown attrib). have experience so understand what missing? - likely. "to have loved and lost is better than to have never
loved at all" - same thing? bollocks.
- pick up on sex references in songs which hadn't noticed before. "come on closer - jem". feel "bad" => not available? cannot
see way to get? not likely to be available. again, sex is *not* primary concern - **want someone to make happy?** - selfish "want"?
ex. "going to snowdon". no interest personally of doing it. with her - was "looking forward" to it - *was with her* - experience through her/
make her happy. folk festival - going with someone => them happy == "good". actual *going* means nothing, going and making them
happy => "good". [living through others again?].
"sad songs" => neither "good"/"bad" but *can* listen to. always drawn to "sad" songs? alanis, sarah mclachlan, "goth"? most is about
*ending* love not *falling in* love. can't listen to "love songs" - "bad"++. basis on songs?
"love" - i *did* love her (no matter what she said **past tense - she's not coming back**). love => wanting nothing but good for the other
person - their happyness was "good". had drive for that - never for anything else. pointless anyway.
upsetting her => very "bad". tried to learn. pointless now.
why want love?
- get "good" back/feel less "bad".
-caring for someone == "good"
- "liked" knowing what she was doing/involvement in her life
- "We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the
moment that we're not alone." (*lookup attrib*)