This hasn't been updated for a while - you'll have seen that. It started out (and remained) primarily a way for me to write down my "feelings" to try to deal with the stress and pain.

 

As I've now met someone the purpose of the blog has been removed. As such, most of it will soon be archived and new, more fun, stuff will be put up instead.

 

Starting with the fact that I'm currently having to move (due to the government being total arseholes). This process is not going well due to my total inability to do anything without getting sidetracked (10mins packing boxes, 3 hours stacking them in a perfect cube...) I'll put more up as I go along

 

Chris

x

 

A lot of the pictures I've put up are taken with a macro lens (virtually all the close ups). The lens was about 160 quid. I have aquired a couple of old manual 35mm lenses over the last few weeks and have been playing around with them as normal lenses (with a 2quid adaptor) and had a sudden idea about trying something I'd read a while ago - making a cheap macro lens by stacking lenses. The total cost of what follows was 4quid for the adaptor ring and a few quid for the lens...

 

First, our model - a filter (and a crap phone photo)...

 

 

...this was taken with the proper macro lens - I could have got a little closer I guess...

 

 

...this was taken with the cheap set up (the depth-of-field is something of a problem)...

 

 

...now, the cheap set up includes a zoom lens, the above picture was at it's shortest focal length. At it's longest we get...

 

 

...yes, those are the little teeth above the writing in the earlier picture.

 

Not a bad result for so little money. On the other hand, it's almost impossible to focus, requires *huge* amounts of light and has a really difficult depth-of-field. It also weighs a hell of a lot, mainly because this is what the complete set up looks like...

 

 

 

 

 

 

  • Inbetween Sufferings

 

I seem currently to be living in a kind of "twilight" between the usual feeling shit and a kind of "hope". There is a reason for this (which I'll not explain at this time) but it doesn't make the "feeling" any less unpleasant.

 

I guess this is where the "emotional processing" issues really show up - I can, now, understand if I'm "feeling" shit (almost all the time) or happy (when loving someone) but can't figure out anything in between.

 

This is probably the worst time from a cognitive point of view as it's stressful because I know something is wrong but cannot do anything about it: a constant restlessness which can't be "dealt with", the inability to do anything even if you can find the desire to even want to do anything, and if you do drift into anything you cannot keep doing it as the mind just drifts back into the weird "vague" state (even writing this difficult because I can't remember anything I've written and keep losing the thread).

 

Of course, since I guess this is based on hope it'll all end soon enough when things go wrong again. As they always end up doing.

 

Cutting works to some degree. Unlike the really anxious state where the need is eventually triggered it's a conscious decision to start (assuming i can get my mind to concentrate long enough on the idea of doing it). Unlike the severe anxiety (where it doesn't hurt) there is a little pain but not much. And it does work - it takes away the tremours and some of the stress - i guess it takes away the underlying emotions causing the problem. It doesn't take away the concentration problems though (it's like "zombification" - some things seem to get done/written but i never remember doing them). I can usually sleep though (this always seems to be the case after cutting - i guess the anxiety/stress is physically tiring?). I slept for 10 hours the night before last and 12 last night. I'd rather be asleep - being awake just means stress and suffering anyway.

 

I guess it's ironic that being in a position to possibly get what i want doesn't take the pain away, if just changes it to another type.

 

 

 

Its neither easy or hard - just something to do. I used to think that the key was to understand this, then maybe I could "fix" it. Of course, that's crap - there is no cure, and, to be honest, I'm not even looking for a cure - it is the way it is. I just wanted to love someone - that made none of this matter.

 

Is there "hope"? - not really. What is "hope"? Just a means to lie to enable refusing to accept the truth. The belief that things can get better when they obviously can't and won't is simply a lie. The hope that an arranged date will go ahead - just a lie, the hope that this will end soon - just a lie (although one I can try to achieve). The hope that someone would want me - just a lie. The hope that I could love someone again - *just a lie*. "Hope" is just refusing to accept the obvious. It is nothing else to me - just a word who's definition fits. It doesn't make things better, it doesn't help in any way. It just hurts even more because I know it will, but I can't stop doing it.

 

I really can't cope any more. I guess I never have been able to really. I have pretended to be able to just to "function" in "normal" life - but I've never been able to. Everything has just been a thin cover over the chaos inside. I try to find order - order i can deal with but not this. I suppose i believed that i could cope - i believed that lie like so many others. I'm not normal - i never have been. It's all a lie. It hurts so much. What is it? Terror? Fear? Panic? They're all just words - what do they mean? I just want to escape - to run - to end this chaos/lack of control.

 

I'm barely hanging on - to what? The lie that I can cope? That I can do this? My sanity? The integrated functioning of my mind (not that there is much - but this is as though it's all falling apart - that I've no control over any of it). At least when there was love there was something to deal with this with. There was always her - someone to care about, to concentrate on making happy, to override the fear and pain. Someone who cared (or said she did). Someone who there was some connection to - that I wasn't alone. Just someone.

 

All there is now is fear, pain, tears, despair and loneliness. So much loneliness.

 

I want to love. I want to escape. I want to die. But no one wants it. I don't know how. And I'm a coward.

 

So what now?